Nadia Comanechi

Tonight, as I attempted to lay me down to sleep, I realized that it wasn't the need of sleep that was attempting to lay me down.  Ironically, it was my lack of sleep that has laid me down,however to not sleep,but rather to  think.  Continuous and jumbled thoughts of flowers dance in my head as I prepare for a presentation amongst Mother's Day orders, weekly orders, parties and personals.  I was asked to prepare a new look, a new beginning for a floral program at a well revered space in Chicago.  After working with them for the past 8 years, the challenge is to reinvent the flowers as they are doing within their own environment.  Usually this isn't a big deal to me, meaning, I always feel in my gut I have it licked.  I can come up with a million ideas and whittle each of them down to a grand solution, a finale.  This time, I'm stuck.  I'm stuck within myself and my lack of ideas.  When do you start reinventing and when is it all okay just the way it is?  I guess, perhaps, I may be stuck within myself.  What I mean is, I may be afraid to let the big idea rip its way out of my gut and let it just happen.  I get that, but I can't find that "big idea"...it must be embedded very deep.  I've searched for it. I dashed to NYC for inspiration knowing that trip has never failed me before and yet, this time, it didn't produce the same effect I have come to trust from that entangled city.  Work is very important to  me because its what I love to do.  I love working with flowers as my medium.  I love seeing reaction and feeling accomplished in my designs and client relationships.  At the same time, I combat the stress of keeping this fresh, no pun intended.  I struggle with maintaining the quality and experience people have to come to love and respect about my work.  I agree to evolve is natural, but I fight the evolution of a constant changing society of perceptions and worth. 

Being creative is a challenge and a curse, a joy and a gift and a realization that it will never become complacent because of the "what ifs" and the "what else's".   Tonight I struggle with my creativeness and forward thinking.  What am I missing?  What else is there that hasn't been done before?  Where can I get what I need before I need it?  Its funny as I lay here typing recalling all the times I have told clients, staff, etc to calm down, "its only flowers".  Clearly, I am not living that at the moment.  The passion to create something magical and timeless is so much harder than creating something obnoxious, explosive and/or ordinary.  I have always relied on my gut, as I have said before, and I have become great friends with procrastination and last minute brilliance.  This time, I am lost. Maybe it is because I have been moving too fast as of late.  The more I can get done, the more I can do and the more I can add on to an already fast moving schedule.  So many people have told me to slow down, so I try.  But, as I slow down, my world around me seems to speed up and I surely don't want to be left behind to catch up later.  This past week I have slipped on loose leafs, tulip heads and rose petals as they lay in wait on the floor of my studio.  They were stalking me waiting for the perfect time to find themselves under my shoe and catapult me across the room.  I have good balance and am very used to the scraps on the floor.  But, on Thursday,  it happened.  A stray tulip leaf lay resting on the floor right outside my office.  It must have hobo'd a ride on my boot or sleeve. As I left the office in yet another hurry, my boot met the tulip leaf with direct contact.  It was a BIG slip.  However, I must admit, I felt much like Nadia Comanechi on the high beam.  With elegance and grace, I did the Chinese splits that would absolutely garner a perfect 10.    Painful, yes.  Embarrassing, not really (I was the only one at the studio at the time).  Humbled, of course. 
Its moments like that when I hear my dad telling me that  "moments like that mean you need to take a moment and slow down".  Something divine is telling you you are moving too fast, take a moment and smell the roses...blah, blah.  Anyway, I am challenged tonight and hope for a moment of sleep.  I will rely on my gut.  I will rely on my knowledge, my know-how and my will.  I, at the moment I am typing this, will acknowledge my vulnerability to surrender and persevere.  At the end of the day, it may be just flowers, but its also my passion and guts for which I will not lay down.