by chance

"Life throws us curve balls", we've all heard this over and over again.  We have the opportunity to hit that ball out of the park or miss it and wait for the next throw.   Not always, however, do we realize the outcome of each throw or the complexity of the homerun.

Recently, I was thrown a curve ball.  In fact, it came at me from a virtual place when neither I was expecting it nor waiting for it.   Either way, it caught me off guard.  Now, don't get me wrong, it was a great throw.  And, in fact, it was a possible home run once I realized it was the perfect pitch.  It headed towards me straight over the plate with precise aim and candid spin. It was honest and with good intent and without looking, eyes shut and heart open, I was ready for it although unexpectedly.  Funny isn't it?  When that curve ball is coming at you at full speed you seem to be able to verify its worthiness and plan your response.  In my case, I hit that ball so hard there was no way I was going to strike out.  I knew it was worth the swing and planned for it hit into the sky...to the moon.   As the ball was flying upward I concentrated, intently to make it to the first base, the second base, the third base and, finally, home plate. I've been running towards the score without caution or perspective.  All I've wanted was this score for which I always new I'd get, I just didn't know when...this was my opportunity.  Is it so much the score? Or, rather, the journey of the ball as it scraped past trees and buildings into the sky.  Lets face it, the ball eventually has to land falling with speed out of its thrust into the great unknown.  When it lands, then what?  Does it roll under a bush to hide? Does it land in the hands of another unsuspecting person? Or does it simply plunk down and take a deep breathe and realize its journey was purposeful and exhilarating?  As I caught my breathe after running the bases I too realized I didn't look back into the sky to watch that lonely ball venture to its new land.  Should I have concentrated more on the journey of the ball and its purpose or should I have done what I did and kept running towards the outcome?  There is no answer.

Once settled down, heart beat calming and adrenaline subsiding, I caught my breathe and realized that I had done something I had never done before now.  I hit a curve ball with the intent to make it a home run without deciding whether or not it was the perfect swing.  It felt safe, it felt good and it felt right.   I am confident in the fact that no matter what comes my way I can close my eyes and swing.  Fortunately this curve ball was a positive pitch.   It has not only given me such confidence, but also insight into myself as what is possible and what I am able to accomplish if I just believe in the process.   This curve ball is a person for which I write.   People are obviously more complex than baseballs, but the principle remains; Do we avoid the curve ball? Do we take a  swing? Or, do we simply not step up to the plate to take the chance at the home run?  I took the swing!! And, it more than likely one of the best swings I  have ever taken, curve ball or not.  If ignored, if I chose to sit this one out, I would have missed the opportunity to meet someone new.  I would have missed the chance to grow outward and I would have missed the advance of who I am and what I am capable of in this lifetime.  

To be able to open your mind and heart to newness and to be able to accept the everything that another person has to offer, is truly the best experience one can ever have.   There is no "what ifs" or "I should haves".  Simply, its important to step up, take a swing, connecting with the "ball" and hitting that home run.

Hugs,Kisses and Rhubarb

We all know that, among other things,  hugs are for greetings and kisses aren't contracts and rhubarb is sour.  However, during the act of contact, puckering or eating, we aren't conscious of these simple, yet profound facts.  Have you ever been hugged so hard it no longer feels like a gesture of comfort?  Have you ever kissed someone when the two of you have very different intentions?  Have you ever hoped when you bit into a rhubarb stalk that it was going to be the season of the sweet rhubarb?  Bet you have.  


All of these simple acts can take many different forms whether it be feelings or pride or cravings.  But, when does it all sync to make for a perfect connection?  I'm sure there have was a time or two when you had a date and that awkward moment came when it was time to say good-bye.  You know the moment.  Its when you are both headed for that "seal the deal" moment and, what seems like slow motion, arms open and mouths relax.  But, only one of you may have a bigger goal upon contact.  As one mouth is relaxing, the other person's mouth is dropped and slighting, squinting open.  Here comes the open arms towards the entrance into your "my space bubble".  You go for the kiss and he goes for the hug.  Awkward!! What happens, usually is that you end up kissing ear cartilage or a shoulder.  Ever so slighting brushing your wagging tongue across his neck as it lands on a wooly sweater.  In a state of minor shock, you hope he didn't notice your wet tongue slurping in seizure across his cheek and ear and hair line.  You act as if its a new way of showing affection without signing a contract.  You convince yourself it shows your interest without actually giving it all up so early on in your relationship.  Its called manners, of course.  You at this point look at him as though he should know its what everyone is doing now....a sign of the times.  


There are those times when a hug lingers a bit too long.  Its that hug you think is only a hug, a short greeting or good-bye.  But, when it lingers, you suddenly feel trapped.  Nothing more awkward than this feeling.  As you are being bear hugged thinking you are about to be released and knowing that you have been hugging for the better part of your life so you have the timing and synchronicity,the hug doesn't stop but you have already released only to be dangling within his hug as it goes on and on and on.  So, like any well mannered huggie, you go back into position as though nothing ever happened.  Again, you convince yourself that he never felt the release and re-hug.  It is never spoke of much like a family secret.  No one ever says: "hey, did you just release the hug prematurely?"  You know the feeling.  So, the next time you are with that person, your head is in the right place, thank god.  Lesson learned, right?  So, every hug thereafter with that particular person, you are prepared.  A little less sincere, nonetheless, prepared. 


You know rhubarb doesn't have a miracle sweet season.  Its always sour.  Yes, it can be more sour as the season progress', but never sweet than you've ever had before.  What do we do about this awkward sour shock?  We sugar it down.  We add sugar, sugar and more sugar to change the sting of that sour bite.  Yet, no matter how  much sugar we add, we still get that sour characteristic of the rhubarb.  First sweet, relaxed tongue  flavorful tenderness, then BAM!! the pinch of sour hitting the entire tongue.  There is no way to change it, but yet we try.  Which brings me to the point of "sugar coating".  I guess this is where the coined phrase came from, maybe?  I would say more than likely. The same goes for people.  Once mean, always mean...once sour, always sour.  A friend told me recently that who you are today becomes more pronounced with age. Which means, of course, if you're sour and bitter now, when you're 80 yrs old, no sugar is going to soften your blow.  Basically, you just become an 80 year old stalk of rhubarb.  No thanks! 


Without sugar coating this:
Hugs are not forever
Kisses aren't contracts
Rhubarb will never be sweet

I have a Question

Recently I have been bombarded with questions.  Questions regarding my personal life, my business life, my private life and my future life.  Questions that are quirky and questions that are meant to be thought provoking and poignant.  Some questions are just because, some are to be nosie, some are out of the box and some are funny as hell.   So, I thought I would compile a few and broadcast them in this blog for all of you who wondered to ask the same or related questions.  Now, I pride myself in being somewhat private and at the same time an open book once provoked.  In doing either, I have put my foot in my mouth, offended, confused, enlightened and challenged those of you who have asked the question or listened to my banter.  So, here I go:

Questions and Answers: 

1. Why are you so critical of weddings? Meaning, the decor, the bride, the process?  (if this is the starter question to the interview, there is no way but down)
     A:  Because 95% of weddings all look the same, not including the weddings I have decorated or been a part of, clearly.  Bride's often buy bad dresses, copy magazine "looks", hire dated planners, serve horrible food and melt down.  The best weddings I have done are those composed of character, style, uniqueness and void of planners (you know, those who interfere in what is right because they want a commission check from vendors so they would rather book what they know rather than help to create what can be).   Frankly, all brides and their grooms should elope. 

2.  Are you often misread or misunderstood? (I don't understand)
     A:  I often don't care about either. 

3.  What inspires you? (ba-oring question)
     A: Truth.  Whether it be an artist who expresses his or her self without boundaries or the rawness of a confession from an friend or foe.  I love the underdogs in this world.  I am inspired by ambition and drive.  I am inspired by scenes; like the feeling of an McQueen or Dries Van Noten runway show.   Its funny, however, everyday nature doesn't inspire me, maybe because I take it for granted or it becomes ordinary.  Perhaps that's why I love the desert.  It seems dead and endless which equals quietness and calm.  I am inspired by color in waves of flowers and texture, but I seem to always lean towards dark flowers and interiors.  

4.  Why are you single? (if the interviewer has a brother who is a doctor, the answer to this question could become very skewed)
    A: This I am asked, lately, all the time and its so frustrating as if to ask why am I tall or blue eyed.  So, I have finally found an answer to this question and it goes something like this: At this time I do not wish to bring anyone into the life I am living at the moment.  I find peace in being single. 

5.  What motivates you to get out of bed in the morning? ( I always think this is a dumb question)
    A: My body wakes up.  I get out of bed.  I get on with my day. That's life. 

6.  Are you always controlling? A perfectionist? (as I looked up to notice a dangling, dead branch in the tree outside my office window and was momentarily distracted)
    A: Can you sit to my right please?

7.  What makes you laugh? (I wanted to say to the interviewer that her lisp is making me laugh, but..)
    A:  Real life, real people.  I am horrible at jokes, therefore, I never find them funny.  I like when someone's exaggerated expression creates a mockery of another person. Hmm, I guess making fun of other people makes me laugh.  Yep, I'll go with that.   

8.  Do you play well with others?  (what does "play" mean, I wonder, hmmmm)
    A:  If others play well with me I do.  Listen, I like "playing" with people who work hard and work smart.  I like having a common goal or interest.  I hate micromanaging tasks that are common sense/street smarts.  Yes, I expect people to read my mind most of the time. Realistically, that never happens, so I rely on those I am "playing" with to have the obvious common sense or integrity to play fairly without stopping the game.   And, it depends on who I am "playing" with, of course.

9.   Pet peeves? (this question for starters is a pet peeve)
    A:  Many, but mostly, liars.  Oh! And cab drivers when I am not in the cab and semi trucks on residential streets and honkers and loud talking and bad questions....AND ignorance, racism, parades and waiting for a table at a restaurant even though I had a reservation.


10.  What makes you cry?  (I wanted to say "Everything", so I did)
    A:  Everything. I can cry at a drop of a hat.  Again, its real life, and most often its the sweetest things that make me cry the hardest.  Not because they make me sad, rather they make me feel so good inside that it provokes tears or all out bauling.

11. What is your biggest frustration? (tricky, tricky question..where do I begin, hmm)
   A.  Lately, my biggest frustration has been with people who lack integrity, individuality and respect.  Also, people who feel entitled.  I have been dealing with an ex-employee who decided to be just like me and use what I have built as his own platform for "success".  It is incredibly frustrating seeing such lack of confidence in people who could otherwise be unique and awesome if they just tried a little harder.  

12.  Do you trust people too much?  (grrrrrrrrrrr)
   A. Yes, well, I used to be very trusting.  I have come to learn that people are generally good, but watch your back.  For instance, I like to give.  I like to help.  I respect others, differences and all.  But, when that respect is mistreated or misused, I no longer trust.  Lets face it. How much can a person give without receiving before the connection is disconnected?  I trust those who share the same respect I have for them as they have for me.  

13..  What's your next chapter? (as if I have completed all other chapters, this question made me feel old)
   A: I have yet to get through and conquer this chapter.  Who knows!! That's why its so great to be present in what I am and what I am doing now. 

14. Do you ever slow down?
  A. Yes, a couple times each day.  My mind doesn't rest, ever, thank god. 



These questions are the tops as they are asked me over and over and over again by friends, family, clients, editors, interviewers, etc.  Some, if find boring to both ask and to answer.  If I were an interviewer I would ask the hard questions like:  When did you first have sex? and When was the last time you faked a good time in front of a host/hostess?  I want the grit.  I like to know the details and could care less about the outcome.  Much like watching a trial, I like to know all the parts of the crime not just what happens at the end.  I like questions that mean something and get to the root.  I have found that people ask the same questions because its easy.  I question myself often.  It's those questions I ask myself that are always the hardest ones to answer and often, when able to answer them, I change my mind anyway.  However, those questions to myself that challenge me go unanswered or take much longer to answer.  Questions! They are the premise of our lives. 
Got a really good question for me?  Shoot it over and I might answer it.

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Very recently I have been asked repeatedly "Why are you Single?".  Why am I single?  Its not an easy question to answer nor should it be.  I pull my shirt to smell my pits for untimely scents.  I check my nose for shipwrecks or old bats.  I even practice not having a "tone" when I compliment someone or react to a compliment given to me by someone else.  Its funny, really.  Is being single a curse or a blessing?  And, why are people constantly in pity of your relationship status.  I'll tell you how I see and feel it.  Sleeping single in a double bed definitely has its perks which many a married couple or simply a dating couple would envy.  There is always the room to stretch and the peace of a snore-less night.  Also, whats better than getting in and out of bed from both sides as often as you want without reference to any excusable exit plan.  More so, getting up in the middle of the night because you have to make cookies because you can, or cuing up the television with you favorite late night news show without having to tap the mute button or hand mix as not to be "too loud" using electric mixers is a liberating and satisfying moment you can call all your own.
Honestly, I don't sit and ponder why I am single or choose to be single.  After all, I have dated off and on since I was 18, some good, some bad, some ugly, some sane.  Its always after my dating status changes from "attached" to "unattached" that I reflect and, frankly, revel in the organic nature of going it alone.  Selfishly, I don't have to include anyone in my daily plans.  I can come and go as I please.  Spend what I want on what I don't need.  Cook without worrying about food aversions or allergies or diets.  If I forget to flush the toilet, oops, I forget to flush the toilet (shit, that reminds me!).  Single is the most unforced natural status that I can think of today.  Dating, is a force of many things society wants of you.  Right? Well, maybe.  To date is to reposition yourself from sleep to wake to routine to relaxing.   Being single only means I am responsible for me, just me, no one but me.
Being single, I believe, helps someone grow more into who they are with a better understanding of who they are and for what they are capable and what your limits are.  I have always said; people shouldn't get married until their late 30's or 40's because they need to become who they ultimately can be without distraction. Being single isn't a bad or sad thing.  No worries friends and family, I'm okay and really am enjoying my time with myself (wink, wink).  With my boundaries set and my heart open, I am a better person to date.
I was recently asked what the perfect guy would be for me, to date or marry.  I have now processed it a bit more since the question came up a few days ago and my answer goes something like this:   My perfect match would have my back and likewise.  My perfect match would be his authentic self; an independent, driven spirit who at the end of the day will find me, notice me and acknowledge me. Honestly, my perfect match would be much like myself.  I figure if I hold those standards high to my own self, then a likewise person would be my long term partner.  I am not looking for a carbon copy, don't get me wrong, that would be creepy.  The best for me is only as deep as the best I can offer back.
So, I will continue, for now, to enjoy my nights of peaceful slumber in my bed with an occasional need to bake a batch of cookies or watch the news at 2am or fly off to somewhere for the weekend or to just sit with myself.

Neat and Interesting

Two words that jolt my swagger; Neat and Interesting.  I know exactly why, but I'll get to that in a minute.  I didn't want to support the truce of uttering "I'm not sure why I dislike these words..blah,blah".  Okay, so, as recent as I can remember, well, Friday, I had a client tell me this looked "Neat":

Her left eyebrow was lifted and her right eye squinted as she smiled blurting the word.  Now, I'll give it to her, she was only looking at a picture and lets face it, a picture doesn't do something tangible justice.  On another occasion recently I was looked at in a squint with lips pursed and told by a man that an installation of mine was "interesting" and thanked me whole heartedly.  Admittedly, I too have used both words to describe things that I really wasn't either interested in or disliked wholeheartedly.  Thus, the reason I don't like these two words to be used as adjectives towards my work or thoughts.  You know the times you are with someone and you are telling them all about this experience you had and they are nodding and smiling as if they are listening intently to your every word. Then, in response to your story they exclaim "wow, that is so interesting!".  Guess what?  They either weren't listening as intently as it appeared they were and/or they just thought the whole thing was a boring mess.  Would it have been better if they would have said "wow, that was so UN-interesting."?  I use the word "neat" when I need to tidy up.  You know,  keep things neat and organized.   But, much like "interesting", "neat" gets used in place of "gosh darn I really find that unappealing and rather appalling!".   Do you see what I mean? And, how many times have you used these words just because there were no other ways to kindly let someone down without them knowing?

In defense of the "neat" and "interesting" users, perhaps they are being, or at least trying to be gracious and complementary.  They may genuinely feel as those the neatest and most interesting things are just a grasp away and everything to them finds place in each category.  Then again maybe not.  A dead giveaway when someone says either word is their tone.  It usually goes down at the end of the word or stays constant with a contrived inflection at the end.  Practice with me: Neat! (inflect upward at the end)  Interesting! (inflect downward at the end).  Good Job!! Now do it in the mirror and let your face do the talking.  No need to practice.  I have begun to think that its our natural way for which we were born to communicate, um, nicely?

So, be mindful the next time you describe something as "neat" or "interesting" unless of course you are genuinely interested, then, try to find another word like "Wowwzza" or "Shazam!!"  

Nadia Comanechi

Tonight, as I attempted to lay me down to sleep, I realized that it wasn't the need of sleep that was attempting to lay me down.  Ironically, it was my lack of sleep that has laid me down,however to not sleep,but rather to  think.  Continuous and jumbled thoughts of flowers dance in my head as I prepare for a presentation amongst Mother's Day orders, weekly orders, parties and personals.  I was asked to prepare a new look, a new beginning for a floral program at a well revered space in Chicago.  After working with them for the past 8 years, the challenge is to reinvent the flowers as they are doing within their own environment.  Usually this isn't a big deal to me, meaning, I always feel in my gut I have it licked.  I can come up with a million ideas and whittle each of them down to a grand solution, a finale.  This time, I'm stuck.  I'm stuck within myself and my lack of ideas.  When do you start reinventing and when is it all okay just the way it is?  I guess, perhaps, I may be stuck within myself.  What I mean is, I may be afraid to let the big idea rip its way out of my gut and let it just happen.  I get that, but I can't find that "big idea"...it must be embedded very deep.  I've searched for it. I dashed to NYC for inspiration knowing that trip has never failed me before and yet, this time, it didn't produce the same effect I have come to trust from that entangled city.  Work is very important to  me because its what I love to do.  I love working with flowers as my medium.  I love seeing reaction and feeling accomplished in my designs and client relationships.  At the same time, I combat the stress of keeping this fresh, no pun intended.  I struggle with maintaining the quality and experience people have to come to love and respect about my work.  I agree to evolve is natural, but I fight the evolution of a constant changing society of perceptions and worth. 

Being creative is a challenge and a curse, a joy and a gift and a realization that it will never become complacent because of the "what ifs" and the "what else's".   Tonight I struggle with my creativeness and forward thinking.  What am I missing?  What else is there that hasn't been done before?  Where can I get what I need before I need it?  Its funny as I lay here typing recalling all the times I have told clients, staff, etc to calm down, "its only flowers".  Clearly, I am not living that at the moment.  The passion to create something magical and timeless is so much harder than creating something obnoxious, explosive and/or ordinary.  I have always relied on my gut, as I have said before, and I have become great friends with procrastination and last minute brilliance.  This time, I am lost. Maybe it is because I have been moving too fast as of late.  The more I can get done, the more I can do and the more I can add on to an already fast moving schedule.  So many people have told me to slow down, so I try.  But, as I slow down, my world around me seems to speed up and I surely don't want to be left behind to catch up later.  This past week I have slipped on loose leafs, tulip heads and rose petals as they lay in wait on the floor of my studio.  They were stalking me waiting for the perfect time to find themselves under my shoe and catapult me across the room.  I have good balance and am very used to the scraps on the floor.  But, on Thursday,  it happened.  A stray tulip leaf lay resting on the floor right outside my office.  It must have hobo'd a ride on my boot or sleeve. As I left the office in yet another hurry, my boot met the tulip leaf with direct contact.  It was a BIG slip.  However, I must admit, I felt much like Nadia Comanechi on the high beam.  With elegance and grace, I did the Chinese splits that would absolutely garner a perfect 10.    Painful, yes.  Embarrassing, not really (I was the only one at the studio at the time).  Humbled, of course. 
Its moments like that when I hear my dad telling me that  "moments like that mean you need to take a moment and slow down".  Something divine is telling you you are moving too fast, take a moment and smell the roses...blah, blah.  Anyway, I am challenged tonight and hope for a moment of sleep.  I will rely on my gut.  I will rely on my knowledge, my know-how and my will.  I, at the moment I am typing this, will acknowledge my vulnerability to surrender and persevere.  At the end of the day, it may be just flowers, but its also my passion and guts for which I will not lay down.  

Its a Pooh Thing

Recently I was reading my facebook stream and a good friend of mine posted a quote from Winnie the Pooh to another friend.  This quote was and is my all time favorite quote and I had over the years forgot about it, well, put it this way, its been stored in my mind bank collecting dust for too many years.

Christopher Robbins to Pooh: "there is something you must always remember...you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think"..."


Day by day, our lives change, no doubt.  Sometimes they are dramatic times, sometimes they are good times and sometimes they are times which pass us by without us even realizing what just happened.  Do we take the best of times for granted and dwell too much on the hard times?  Perhaps.  I often think as to why those hard times take so much of our energy to process and disclaim.  Its the good times we look forward to and what make us happiest, yet we tend to let them fizzle out of our core too quickly.  


So, after being reminded of the words of Christopher Robbins last night, the first thing that came to my mind, frankly, was being a child and dandelions.  I had friends when was I was just a kid, many of them.  We were all about the same age and lived only steps away from each other.  We had the best block in town!  Everyday after school we gathered around a light post in the corner of Vincent's yard and gathered our teams together for a game of flashlight tag or hide and seek.  We played until our parents stood at the end of the driveways and yelled for us to come in for dinner.  After dinner, we were right back at that light post to resume where we left off.  


On the weekends, it seemed, there were less of us around to congregate into enough teams to get any sort of game going, so I would venture off on my own into the woods, fields and swamps.  I had great adventures trekking through thick brush and tracking Bigfoot.  I would build forts to hide out in knowing I would be camouflaged from the world outside of the forest.  It was so much fun jumping from odd humps in the swamp as to avoid falling into the murky, smelly water.  I would rescue rabbits from snares, albeit they were already dead, but nonetheless, they were "rescued".  Picking cattails and yellow swamp flowers became a gathering expedition and tearing off Springs giant pussy willow branches from the enormous trees for which they grew all in order to bring them home for my mom.  If I recall correctly, she would make me leave them outside - bugs and all.  Frogs would lay huge puddles of eggs wrapped in clear, jello-like casings.  These would be the great find and after gathering them in ice cream buckets I would take them to the garage and watch them hatch into tadpoles.  Now that I think about it, I'm not sure where they disappeared to after they were tadpoles.  I guess its one of those things that parents take care of for you without making much fuss.  Put it this way; I was carefree, without worry and always dirty.  


 Like I said, dandelions were part of my childhood and I am sure I share this with each and everyone of you reading this.  Taking over all the lawns on the block, dandelions were this dreaded weed that every homeowner acknowledged in horror when they began to bloom.  However, as kids, we would relish them as a pretty flower for which we could use to play games.  One such game was called "Mommy had a baby and  her head popped off!".  We would take the dandelion in the palm of one hand with the bloom nestled on the fatty part of our hand between the thumb and index finger.  Then, using our thumb, we would recite "Mommy had a baby and her head popped off" and when we got to "off" we would pop the bloom from its stem...and laugh and laugh.  Another game, if you will, would be taking a dandelion and holding it under a friends chin.  Asking each other if "you like butter".  If the dandelion reflected yellow on your chin's bottom, then YES!! you liked butter.  Um, yeah, it always reflected yellow.  Simple times.  When the dandelion flowers turned into a fragile puff of white seeds, it was time to use them for something much more meaningful.  You know what I'm talking about don't you?  We would use the flowers in there last state of bloom to make wishes.  Crazy wishes like; "I want a horse" and "I want a pair of Lee jeans" and "I wish for 5 bucks so I can buy 20 packs of Charlie's Angels trading cards".  Wishes, simple wishes. 

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So, going back to the words of Christopher Robbins to Pooh;  As a child I was very brave, brave enough to hang out in the woods wishing to catch a glimpse of the unseen Saskquatch, braver than I believed.  Also, I was much stronger as I seemed when I climbed those grand trees to pluck the best lilac and pussy willow I could find.  Even more so,  I was much smarter than I thought, as I would have the best hiding places during hide and seek (most often lying flat on rooftops, where bravery and strength both came in handy).  As a child I made wishes for only what I knew as a child.  As an adult, with spring upon us, its hard to walk past a dandelion without reaching down and blowing it with a wish in mind.  Our adult wishes are a bit  more complex, but they are still wishes, beliefs, strengths and smarts.  


In case you were wondering:   I never did see a Bigfoot, but I believed it to be real.